and i don't mean being physically small. i mean, small in such a way that you don't make an impact on anything or that so much inside you left and thus you feel small.
this past week was exactly like that for me.
...
i recently defended my thesis (woohoo!) but it was one of those rare moments that gave me so much mixed emotions. i was happy that i finally passed (after a little over a year of doing my thesis, alone!) but i got really disappointed since i'm required to do a lot of major revisions. it means that technically, i passed, but unless i am able to do the revisions in a week and a half, i don't get to graduate.
anyway, the feeling small part was during my defense. i wasn't exactly nervous before the defense since ako naman yung gumawa ng buong thesis na 'yun eh so i literally know it inside and out and the fact that i'm used to presenting stuff like these. but once the questions and the comments started pouring in, it really felt like i was slowly shrinking amongst the giants that were my panel. i'm not usually one who is affected by criticisms but their critique made me feel like a punching bag (although some may argue that i already look like one, but i digress. hehe).
just like boom's post, maybe it's because i've had a rather personal and exclusive relationship with this paper for the longest time and every single comment felt like it was a personal attack on this relationship. or maybe because i expected too much from myself.
...or maybe because i simply knew that i could have done better.
sad but true. it made me realize that whatever they were saying just meant that i haven't reached their standard but at the same time i knew that i could have if i wanted to, but didn't. not to mention being happy for simply passing my thesis. sigh. it sucks to know that you could have done better in something. mixed emotions talaga.
...
i felt small in a different way, and in a different situation this past week too. it may be mababaw for some but it bothered me for a while.
my driver and i were driving along estrada st. and we turned right on taft ave. then this policeman came out from nowhere at pinara kami. sabi niya "beating the red light" and "wreckless driving" daw kami kasi naka-red daw yung stoplight when we turned. i kept silent and my driver did all the talking since i knew na mali siya (kupal ko ba?), although i talked to the policeman for a while to convince him to just give my driver a warning and not take his license (knowing na kung walang lisensya driver ko, baka pagalitan ng parents ko).
and here's how i felt small:
nasa gitna pa kasi kami ng road kaya sabi ng pulis na itabi namin muna yung car sa may sidewalk. when we did, my driver and i decided na bayaran na lang yung policeman since it was already becoming obvious that he was one of those kotong cops.
this was when i felt so disappointed in myself again. it was a question of principles eh. alam ko na hindi tamang bayaran ang mga police to get yourself out of certain situations, and yet i decided to do so. oo, mababaw siguro for some since i know that it's a normal thing for drivers who get caught to just do that. pero it still felt so wrong and so weird for me na parang nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. arte ko ba? hehe.
i'm just thankful that the cop didn't get the money and my driver was able to get his license back.
wala kasi akong barya so i asked my driver to have it exchanged kay manong philip of north gate (he's a yosi vendor near the sidewalk where we parked) at sabihin sa kanya na ako yung nagpapapalit ng pera. manong is a friend of mine (yes, friend) especially during my yosi days. i was probably one of his top 5 best customers. anyway, nung nakita ng police na kausap ng driver ko si manong, he asked my driver to go back sa car, manong and the policeman talked for a while, then the policeman gave yung license ng driver ko back and we were set free. salamat manong!
maybe God has been testing me, i don't know. i failed the tests maybe, but it surely made me learn some pretty good lessons from the inside. buhay talaga.
my thesis panel [L-R]: dr. austria, who took up her master's and doctorate degrees at the australian national univesity and is currently the director of the research center in the college of business and economics. dr. intal, who took up his master's and doctorate degrees at yale university and is currently the director at the angelo king institute for research. and dr. tullao, who took up his master's at stanford and his doctorate at the fletcher school of law and diplomacy and used to be the dean of the college of business and economics. they are considered to be giants in economic research, a powerhouse in international economic policy, and the dragons of the department. potek! syempre sila panel ko! no wonder i felt small! haha!
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