Yoga Problem

This morning I placed my yoga mat on the floor at home and sat down in lotus. Breathed for a few minutes then stood up again on the top of my mat. Inhale, hands up, look up. Exhale bend forward. Inhale look up, exhale jump back low push-up. Inhale upward dog. Exhale downward dog. Then I stop.

It caught be my sheer surprise that I was having a hard time keeping my feet flat on the ground while keeping my back straight. I never really had a perfect downward dog before but this was too much. Alarmed, I stopped altogether and sat down on the sofa. Yikes.

If there were a yoga high school of some sort, I might be in line for expulsion. Not practicing yoga since December is bad, bad, bad.

Hope? Acceptance.

When someone stops hoping, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I can view it as a way in which the person accepts certain realities that are bound to happen. Inevitable. Imminent. And in this acceptance comes a form of preparation be it emotionally, mentally, or physically. I believe in being prepared for anything.

My Dad is dying. I've blogged about that before. It may sound insensitive to him that I discuss these nonchalantly but I just have to. I talk a lot about his Alzheimer's because that's what easily defines how he is nowadays. But he, too, has liver cancer. The family had decided a year ago when he was diagnosed that no intervention can be made. The situation is just too complicated for chemo or even anaesthesia.

I look at the 2010 calendar and count the number of pages there are until the next year. I can't help but wonder if my Dad will still be around until it's time to hang up a new calendar.

I don't believe in feeling sad nor depressed. I believe in understanding your life and the events that occur that ultimately affect it.

This morning I entered the office toilet, locked the door, and sat down. I talked to God and told him things which were in my head. I told him I was frustrated, angry even that a good man is given something he cannot fight. A man with progressive Alzheimer's and hyptertension cannot fight liver cancer. How can he? Getting a biopsy of the 11cm tumor on his liver will already complicate things, how much more actual treatment? He understood me as always and I apologized. During my spontaneous mental monologue, I found acceptance.

Hope is a good thing. So is acceptance.

Lifestyle Changes

Just finished night patrol. My brothers and I now take turns sleeping in our parent's room at night to be 'bantay' for Dad. His sleeping pattern is weird. He doesn't even know if he wants to sleep or not. He wakes up every 10 minutes now and then to take a walk around the room just to go back to bed and lie down again. He pees more than 3 times and would sometimes need help in finding the toilet. Alzheimer's. That's life.

***

Yesterday morning as I got down from the bus at Edsa corner Ayala, I witnessed a man slash snatcher get beaten up. Initially it was just the MMDA who got hold of him. However, when the crowd got a little bigger, random men started taking turns beating up the man. It's a strange-funny-sad sight to see while you're walking on your way to work. Man gets beaten up. Tinderas leaving their goods to watch. Makati workforce people stopping for a few minutes to watch. Random cellphone videos recording the whole thing. Now that's some weird morning show for you.

***

Due to the need for me to maximize my time at home, I haven't been going to boxing training nor yoga lately. It sucks but that's how it is. Thus, I recently thought of an ingenious way of maintaining the fitness lifestyle that you want without compromising family duties: if you can't go to the gym, then bring the gym to you. But I'm not talking about home exercise equipment. Instead of going to the gym, I now ask my boxing trainer to come to my house and we train there! How incredibly efficient. He brings with him his punch mitts and I train right there on the street. Trust me, for anyone out there who does boxing, training on the street in the cool breeze we're having right now is such a wonderful experience. It helps that my neighbor trains too so he joins me and there's more 'energy' while training. Now if only I get myself some punching bags and speed ball. There is no excuse to live an unhealthy lifestyle.

New Year Reflection: What Matters In My Life

It is 11:55pm of December 31, 2009. I am in my car with two of my brothers driving along Edsa on the way home. We hear the sounds of a city on the brink of a big celebration. The sky lights up here and there coupled with the sounds of harmless explosions. I reflect on the year that is about to end and know that in spite of the challenges and changes, I am happy.

It is 9:00pm of December 31, 2009. My dad complains of stomach pains which he has been having for a few hours already. We decide to bring him to the hospital to get confined and checked.

It is 7:00pm of December 31, 2009. The thought of the new year excites me, as always. I urge my brother to accompany me outside to buy some fireworks, like we always do. I want to have a big and loud midnight celebration outside on the street. That is all I want.

It is 12:00nn of December 31, 2009. We have more than a dozen visitors in the house. Cousins, uncles, aunts, nephews. We are gathered around a table filled with food. This isn't a party. This is a feast. I look around and everyone is smiling. We are all facing my dad who's seated by the table happily smiling back at all of us. We all start singing together. Happy birthday.

* * * * *

It is 11:30pm of December 31, 2009. Midnight is near. The new year is near. I am in a hospital room with my entire family. It is a bit rare that we are all together in one room at the same time. Except during my dad's birthday. My dad is lying on the bed. He is fine now, though sleepy. He sees us all around him and manages a smile. He loves to smile. We decide who stays with mom and dad tonight in the hospital. We gather around and say a little prayer. We all know that this is turning out to be a very different new year's eve than we are used to. No midnight meal. No fireworks. But we also know that it didn't matter.

We are together. Just us. Just family.

* * * * *

Whenever the year ends, I always tend to think about the big events that happened. The big decisions like coming home from living abroad. The travels. The parties, the get-togethers. This year has been very different though. I will never remember 2009 for the big things. I will remember 2009 for the small things.

For the time I spent with my family at home. For the times I walked with dad on the street. Having breakfast and dinner with my parents, everyday. For the times that I laughed with my brothers and sister. For the short but frequent coffee nights with friends and how our rather mundane stories strengthened our friendships even more. For how I managed to re-connect with people who are important to me. Family and friends.

I realize now that it is not about having a big and loud celebration. It is not about having fireworks in your life. All these are trivial. What matters is that you can spend new year in your car along an empty road yet still feel happy and content because you know you have strong relationships with the people who matter in life.

Happy new year.

* * * * *

My dad is fine now and was discharged from the hospital less than a day after he was admitted.

Christmas 2009

It's been a long time since I last felt the Christmas spirit. The kind that makes you smile even when you're just walking alone on the street at night.

I type this now in my room with just an hour to go before I leave for Christmas mass. I look back at the year that was and feel strange that it's about to end. Good strange. There are so many things in my head right now I don't know where to begin. No, I'm not troubled or anything. In fact, I'm happy. This year has been awesome. But the weird thing about it, it has been such not because of the big things that happened, but because of the small things. The strolls along the street with Dad. The time I spend at home. The everyday breakfast with my parents. The laughter with my siblings. The renewed relationships with friends. The little milestones. The growth.

Sigh. When I get over this blogger's block, I will write something better. In the meantime, Merry Christmas.

I'm Selling My Stuff: Canon Items For Sale!

Hello photographer friends!

I am letting go of the following Canon items:

EF-S18-200mm f/3.5-5.6 IS (Lens only) = Php 32,000

Speedlite 580EX II Flash (Barely used) = Php 22,000

Both items were purchased early this year and I can assure you that they are in excellent condition. They also still have active warranties. In the case of the Speedlite, I've used it less than 6 times.

Prices are all negotiable, of course. In case you or anyone you know are interested in purchasing the following items, please message me separately here or email me at bencabigas(at)gmail.com. Thank you very much.

Merry Christmas!