Thirty-Five

Courtyard by Marriot Hotel, Chicago, USA

I turned 35 yesterday.

35.  Mid-30's.  I never thought much about birthdays before and I've rarely celebrated mine.  But this one really does feel like a milestone.  And it also feels like every birthday after this will feel like that.  This past year has made it clear to me that I'm no longer a kid.  Of course, I've known this for a while - but now it has really sunk in.  I am now seriously an adult with serious responsibilities.  Similar to how I looked at my parents when I was young.  I'm now that guy, just without kids.

I started my day yesterday by going to mass like I always do during my birthday.  It's a good tradition or habit that my Mom taught us.  I then packed my bags and drove from Cincinnati to Chicago alone.  The weather was nice and you could clearly see the Ohio and Indiana countryside.  I checked in my hotel in Chicago then quickly went to the Philippine Consulate to get my passport renewed.  After that, I walked around Chicago then back to my hotel.  I got a haircut at a nearby barbershop after a quick break at the hotel then watched "Avengers: Infinity War".  The movie ended before midnight and I grabbed a few slices of pizza at the 7-11 on the way back to the hotel.  Birthday done.

Come to think of it, I did a lot of things that I love during my birthday.  Travel - when I drove the five hours to Chicago.  Driving alone is somewhat calming to me and it was a good and easy drive that I enjoyed.  Go home - in a way, I went home by going to the Consulate.  It was so Filipino the moment you stepped in that it didn't feel like I was in the U.S. anymore.  Mindless wandering - I've been doing this since I was a child.  I would just walk, walk, walk and look around and observe.  Doing that in a big city like Chicago was just fantastic.  Go to the barber - I love barbershops.  If I were to open my own business, it would be a barbershop.  Watch a movie - I love movies so much, and particularly, going to the cinema to watch them.  I will never stop watching movies in the cinema.

All in all, I was happy yesterday - far from how I've been since I got the U.S. in general.

There was one thing though that wasn't lost on me.  While I celebrated this milestone and a few of things that I really loved doing, I was alone the whole time.  Mid 30's and alone.  35 and alone.  It's literally an episode in Sex and the City where Carrie was sharing her sadness of being 35 and alone and not having someone to share her life with.  I may not have been as emotional as she was but, damn.  Some people would probably be screaming by now and would never have felt happy in a situation like this.

The thing is, I've never thought much nor cared too much about finding a partner or someone to share my life with.  I've always been fine being alone and being me and not having to think about another person.  The thing is, with how my life has been these past few years - all these responsibilities, losing my Dad, the serious need to think about life in my 40's and 50's, how to take care of my Mom financially now that she's dependent on us, all the unhappiness I've been sharing in this blog - maybe the one thing that I really need is that someone.  Maybe I've been so confused about what to do next and where to take myself next because I've never thought about finding someone with whom I will share my life with.

Ten Years Ago

I was looking through my posts in this journal ten years ago here.  I wrote "Yes, you are happy." at that time.  Oh, how I miss my twenties.

Stuck On A Ferris Wheel

Montgomery Road, Cincinnati, Ohio USA

There’s this line from the movie “Love, Simon” (2018) where Simon, the main character, says that sometimes he feels like he’s stuck on a ferris wheel.  One day you’re on top of the world, the next day you’re rock bottom.  I can’t help but feel the same way for myself right now.  There are days when I step back and realize how fortunate I’ve been this past year and how so many people would also love to get the opportunities that have been given to me.

Then there are days when all I feel is regret and how I keep on wishing I could turn back time to when I made the important decisions that got me to where I am now.   What worries me recently is that I’ve been feeling this moment of regret more frequently lately.  I’ve shared these feelings to my family and closest of friends which is rare for me since I normally don’t share my troubles with anyone.  My family of course told me that I should fight and that I can do this but will always welcome the thought of me going back home.  My friends, as friends should be, told me that I was just whining like a bitch and just entertain myself.  All true.

Yet, it persists.

I’ve been trying to understand this more and why I keep on feeling this way and I think I know why - that’s not the hard part.  The problem is that there’s no way to get through this other than going straight through it.  Butas ng karayom through it.  Like the start of a grueling twelve hour bus ride, maybe.  You have no choice but sit down and wait.

Pneumonia

It makes me very sad to hear news about young men I know or see at the office who pass away because of pneumonia.  Honestly, and no disrespect to the departed, there must be some way to determine if these people had HIV.  The data needs to be gathered or else we do not really know how widespread the virus is if so many cases get misreported as pneumonia.  I have known four cases within my network who have died of pneumonia but could have been caused by HIV.

I'm so affected that it brought me back here this blog.

Ongoing Predicament

I have always had difficulty reconciling my religious beliefs with my sexual orientation.  I am both Catholic and gay.  I grew up with a very religious grandmother, parents, and studied in Catholic schools until college.  Though I am not a poster child for Catholicism, I subscribe to its teachings.  I also, however, know that my sexual orientation has been this way since I was born.  As a young boy growing up, I never viewed myself as heterosexual.  I always knew what I was.  And this was never a choice I made.

The very recent decision of the U.S. Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage has made me think about this predicament of mine all over again.  When I read the text on the image yesterday, I almost cried.  The only thing that really stopped me from shedding tears was that I was in the office and I never cry in public.  Going through my social media feeds this past twenty four hours, I can't help but feel so happy seeing the collective jubilation around the world but more importantly, in my circle of friends and family who support this decision.  I feel like I can hear a crowd rejoicing from afar, only I cannot really hear the cheers.  I only see it on photos and feel it around me.

Then there are the messages of disagreement.  Opposing views and opinions of people who do not share my smile when I hear the cheers in my head.  I admit, when I read status messages of my friends who do not share my views, I get angry.  While browsing through Facebook just now, I could not help myself from feeling so disappointed that there are people around me who cannot seem to understand the underlying reasons why gay marriage is indeed a right for all.

Then I think about the predicament I am in.  My anger comes from that side of me that believes that love is love and the state does not have the right to disallow its institutions from recognizing the union of two people, regardless of sexual orientation or race, in marriage.  Then comes that other side of me who, for so long, has constantly tried to resist and hold back from loving someone the way two people who get married would love one another.  My anger then fades away as I come to understand the views of others and where they are coming from.

As you can imagine, it can be a roller coaster of emotions in just a few minutes.

I needed to get this out.  I'm happy that something was able to bring me to write on this journal again.

Another Home

On a plane from Kuala Lumpur to Manila a few days ago, I found myself smiling all by myself.  I had just spent a long weekend in Malaysia to attend the wedding of a dear friend.  There I was in the cramped plane of a budget airline, to which I spent double the promo fare, smiling.  Feeling really good about an experience that brought back so many little forgotten memories and cherished moments.

I never thought much about it when I left Manila but my trip to Malaysia was not just a visit.  It was not just a short trip nor a weekend vacation.  It was a journey back to a life I once lived and a glimpse of how life could have been for me had I not decided to quit my job and pack my bags to go home five years ago.

Home.  That's what I felt on the plane en route to the Philippines.  I felt like I was leaving home, some form of it at least, to go back to another home of mine.  The barely four days I spent back in Malaysia allowed me to rekindle all those memories, conversations, moments, laughter.  The type that comes out while spending time with people you used to hold such deep-rooted connections to.

When I arrived in KL, I saw that so many things have changed about it.  The look of the place changed with these new buildings and establishments in the place where I used to live.  I met new people who, by now, have been living there for almost five years - more than when I left to go back to Manila.  They had different stories, different views, different experiences on living the life of an OFW.

Yet there were times when I would stare outside the car window while on the highway and feel like I never left.  That a part of me never left Malaysia and my physically being there was irrelevant since I was still there anyway.  I would talk to my friends who stayed in Malaysia and listening to them and seeing their life now made me daydream of how my life would have been if I had stayed put.  I kind of saw myself in all of them - how they're all still the same person but at the same time you knew that so many things have changed.

Such is life, I guess.  You move on and you don't.  You stay but you also go.  You settle yet go home at the same time.  The important thing is that in spite of all its strangeness, you find time to look back.  And smile.

Sunday Afternoon

Spending a few hours of my precious Sunday afternoon TV-time watching The Apprentice Asia certainly got me thinking about my professional career.

I started out as an eager fresh graduate back in 2005 raring to conquer the professional world.  At that time, all my batchmates had been working for roughly two years already because of my, err, extended stay in college.  So at the back of my head, I really did want to catch up - very typical of any young graduate who just wants to compete with his other friends so as not to look too left behind in the proverbial rat race.

I decided to work in a call center and leverage my newly acquired Spanish-language skills thanks to a few years of Spanish classes at Instituto Cervantes.  I managed to clinch a job that paid me relatively higher than most fresh grads because of my foreign language capability.  The job was fairly simple and it's safe to say that I was pretty good at it.

Fate then decided that I knock on the world's doors.

While browsing through the Sunday classifieds of the Manila Bulletin one day, a small, inconspicuous ad caught my attention.  It said that some company was looking for someone who could speak Spanish and that the job will be in Malaysia.  Without knowing the name of the company or the details of the job, what the heck, I sent my CV.  My phone rang the next day and the person asked me if I was free for a phone interview later in the day.  A few weeks after that phone call, I was on a plane with a one-way ticket to Kuala Lumpur.

The chapter of my life spent in Malaysia is a story on its own.  It was there where I truly grew up and lived the life I had wanted.  Free.  Independent.  Traveled around as much as I could.  Sort of fell in love.  Spent my own money on things I used to not afford.  All this, just months after I graduated from college.  I went into that chapter of my life hungry for achievement.  And I did achieve.  Work showered me with awards and accolades.  I got the trainings I wanted and received the experience I knew was making me carve the right path to success.  Like any guy in his early twenties, I sought out success and boy did I yearn for it!  I was sure that I had caught up with my peers and had even overtaken all my competitive friends who had a two-year head start.

Then came the text message.

It was from my mother.  Paraphrased, it said that my father was sick, that he didn't have much time left, and that I should go home.  This was shortly before Christmas.  Since I really had booked a flight to spend the holidays in Manila that year, I held off telling my boss that I had to quit my job and decided to see things for myself.  Nevertheless, I knew my time in Malaysia was about to end.

I don't remember that Christmas too much.  News like that kind of destroys all the joy and merriness associated with late December.  I do remember though, that once I returned to Malaysia, I was sure that I wanted to quit my job.  My career.  The life I always wanted.  Three months into the new year, I was staring at three years of my life stuffed into two balikbayan boxes and other pieces of luggage.

I was going home.

The next ten months were, ironically, glorious days.  I decided to stay unemployed for a length of time to make up for the lost time with my father.  His condition during those days is a separate narration altogether.  Thanks to some savings, unemployment suited me quite well.  Now that I look back at it, it was during that time when I was spending hours and hours at home with my parents that my mindset on what work should be started to change.

Seeing my funds slowly dwindling, the practical choice had to be made - I needed to work again.  I was ready to start over that time and I decided to be really open to other areas.  I remember applying for a job in a resort in Palawan.  In another call center.  In a real-estate firm.  In a government agency.  I took every opportunity that I felt good about and just tried my luck.  At the end of it, I chose a job that kind of paid well but most of all, gave me the work-life balance that I longed for.

It was a stress-free job that did not exactly put me in a position that people my age at that time wanted to be in.  It was an entry-level job.  It was low responsibility.  But it was exactly what I wanted.  I spent two years of my career there knowing it wouldn't exactly lead me to the path of future CEO or a late-twenties hotshot but for some reason, I knew it was what was best for me.

Then things started to change when opportunities started presenting itself again.  After a weekend of thinking, I found myself quitting that job to work in a large multinational company in a role that would be responsible for more than a few important things.

That's my job now.

So this afternoon, after watching episodes upon episodes of The Apprentice Asia thanks to a scheduled marathon on TV, I could not help but look back on what I've gone through so far in relation to my professional life.

I spent hours today watching a show that have real people with real experiences, and who have a real desire to achieve and be successful.  The people in the show reminded me of me... years ago.  People who use a lot of big words.  Achieve.  Successful.  Driven.  Passionate.  Words that I used to believe in and wanted to embody.  Used to.

Today, I realized that I am no longer that person.  I am no longer someone who seeks competition and aims to beat his peers.  I no longer want to be someone who would become CEO.  I no longer am the person who wants to achieve great things in the work place.

It made me realize that talking to my boss two weeks ago, telling him that I wanted a new role that is no longer like the one I have, was really what I feel is true.  What I feel I really need.  What I feel I really desire.  I've been spending countless hours working this past two years thinking that I should excel and that I should fulfill my responsibilities as much as I can and as well as I could.  True, I should because it would unprofessional to do so.  And I have, actually.

However, working to excel and achieve should not be at the expense of certain things that I hold dear.  My non-negotiables.  The reason why I can easily decide to let go of the life I had always wanted after just one text message from my mother.

Spending a few hours of my precious Sunday afternoon TV-time certainly got me thinking that I should start to live my life the way that I should.

Choice

Take unto thyself O Lord the souls of the weak.  For I have chosen that which does not please you.

Difficult Scenarios

I do think that I've become the worst version myself.  Which is unfortunate since that is how I am entering my 30's.  As to how I do the same ridiculous things over and over again is just beyond me.  Psychiatric help may be needed soon.

Sigh. How I wish I could write lighter and more fun posts here but I can't.  I simply cannot.

It bothers me how I seem to have detached myself almost completely - from God.  No prayers.  Blank thoughts during mass, which is also just a Sunday habit nowadays.  No more deep and silent conversations alone.  The worst part is, no guilt.  I may have given up on myself on this one.  And if I haven't, this may take the longest time.

I am truly my worst enemy.  During the moments when I feel like I'm driving down the right road already, I suddenly decide to turn and go back exactly where I came from.  To my addiction.  An addiction that seems to have absorbed me whole and I am no longer able to release myself from its strong hands.  No longer able to say no when every single piece of logic dictates that I refrain.  That I stay away. My former self, by now, would be in tears.  Like watching a tragedy unfold - night after sad night.

Life presents you with difficult scenarios sometimes.  That I've learned.   But the hardest part is really that you have to deal with it over and over again.  Unfortunately, tonight made me realize that I may have just given up.

Talking To The Moon

At night when the stars

light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon

Try to get to You

In hopes you're on

the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool

who sits alone

Talking to the moon

These are lines from the song "Talking To The Moon" by Bruno Mars.  I am hardly a person of music but tonight as I listened to this song, I cannot help but relate.  I do sit alone at night many times looking at the moon and do nothing else but think.  It is during these times that I get to think and read my own thoughts without all the noise of work, of problems, or even of fun times.In some way, I do talk to the moon.

I relate to this song not because of a desire to reach out to someone else.  I relate because I try to reach out to myself.  To my former self.

That person has left me a long time ago and I know deep inside I want that person back.  Badly.