small fears

would you get irritated at yourself when your boss actually tells you "i'm disappointed" or "this time it's ok, next time it won't"? i know i would.

my boss reprimanded me just a few minutes ago for not doing some tiny thing that i felt that wasn't important and but apparently had a big effect on the scheme of things. ugh. i hate it when i'm incompetent. dear santa, please bring back the level of competence i used to have.

i think i'm beginning to forget how it is to be genuinely busy. and i mean busy. with the ubiquitious green planner with no more space to write on with all the post-its and little pieces of paper inserted into it. it's different for everyone, but whenever i'm busy, i feel like i'm more competent.

the beautiful thing about having to do a million things at the same time is exactly that: you are able to do a million things at the same time. back in college (and even 4th year high school), i had loads and loads of stuff to do thanks to my extra-curricular work that losing my planner would have been more devastating to me than losing my wallet or ID. but even with all the to do's and the to follow-ups, you knew for a fact that you were able to do most, if not all, of the things that you had to do.

after college, my (professional) life saw a complete turnaround from being arguably one of the busiest students in la salle to someone who views work as relaxing. i was that busy before that i found my first job and even my job now as something sooo easy and relaxing with no need of any kind of planner whatsoever.

this scares me. even if i don't mind the relaxation and relative free time, i don't want to lose the momentum. i've always wanted to busy and to be doing a hundred million big and little things at the same time. i don't want to forget how it is to do things. to organize. to manage. to lead. to do. from remembering to buy to bread before going home, to organizing a symposium with some philippine senator as guest speaker. from having to photocopy chapter 12 of some book, to organizing a concert featuring rivermaya. from writing a letter for this certain administrator, to mobilizing literally more than a hundred students to work for your org to win in a university election.

i'm better that way because i know that bosses won't get disappointed.

sigh. why oh why delilah.