Stuck On A Ferris Wheel

Montgomery Road, Cincinnati, Ohio USA

There’s this line from the movie “Love, Simon” (2018) where Simon, the main character, says that sometimes he feels like he’s stuck on a ferris wheel.  One day you’re on top of the world, the next day you’re rock bottom.  I can’t help but feel the same way for myself right now.  There are days when I step back and realize how fortunate I’ve been this past year and how so many people would also love to get the opportunities that have been given to me.

Then there are days when all I feel is regret and how I keep on wishing I could turn back time to when I made the important decisions that got me to where I am now.   What worries me recently is that I’ve been feeling this moment of regret more frequently lately.  I’ve shared these feelings to my family and closest of friends which is rare for me since I normally don’t share my troubles with anyone.  My family of course told me that I should fight and that I can do this but will always welcome the thought of me going back home.  My friends, as friends should be, told me that I was just whining like a bitch and just entertain myself.  All true.

Yet, it persists.

I’ve been trying to understand this more and why I keep on feeling this way and I think I know why - that’s not the hard part.  The problem is that there’s no way to get through this other than going straight through it.  Butas ng karayom through it.  Like the start of a grueling twelve hour bus ride, maybe.  You have no choice but sit down and wait.