Thirty-Five

Courtyard by Marriot Hotel, Chicago, USA

I turned 35 yesterday.

35.  Mid-30's.  I never thought much about birthdays before and I've rarely celebrated mine.  But this one really does feel like a milestone.  And it also feels like every birthday after this will feel like that.  This past year has made it clear to me that I'm no longer a kid.  Of course, I've known this for a while - but now it has really sunk in.  I am now seriously an adult with serious responsibilities.  Similar to how I looked at my parents when I was young.  I'm now that guy, just without kids.

I started my day yesterday by going to mass like I always do during my birthday.  It's a good tradition or habit that my Mom taught us.  I then packed my bags and drove from Cincinnati to Chicago alone.  The weather was nice and you could clearly see the Ohio and Indiana countryside.  I checked in my hotel in Chicago then quickly went to the Philippine Consulate to get my passport renewed.  After that, I walked around Chicago then back to my hotel.  I got a haircut at a nearby barbershop after a quick break at the hotel then watched "Avengers: Infinity War".  The movie ended before midnight and I grabbed a few slices of pizza at the 7-11 on the way back to the hotel.  Birthday done.

Come to think of it, I did a lot of things that I love during my birthday.  Travel - when I drove the five hours to Chicago.  Driving alone is somewhat calming to me and it was a good and easy drive that I enjoyed.  Go home - in a way, I went home by going to the Consulate.  It was so Filipino the moment you stepped in that it didn't feel like I was in the U.S. anymore.  Mindless wandering - I've been doing this since I was a child.  I would just walk, walk, walk and look around and observe.  Doing that in a big city like Chicago was just fantastic.  Go to the barber - I love barbershops.  If I were to open my own business, it would be a barbershop.  Watch a movie - I love movies so much, and particularly, going to the cinema to watch them.  I will never stop watching movies in the cinema.

All in all, I was happy yesterday - far from how I've been since I got the U.S. in general.

There was one thing though that wasn't lost on me.  While I celebrated this milestone and a few of things that I really loved doing, I was alone the whole time.  Mid 30's and alone.  35 and alone.  It's literally an episode in Sex and the City where Carrie was sharing her sadness of being 35 and alone and not having someone to share her life with.  I may not have been as emotional as she was but, damn.  Some people would probably be screaming by now and would never have felt happy in a situation like this.

The thing is, I've never thought much nor cared too much about finding a partner or someone to share my life with.  I've always been fine being alone and being me and not having to think about another person.  The thing is, with how my life has been these past few years - all these responsibilities, losing my Dad, the serious need to think about life in my 40's and 50's, how to take care of my Mom financially now that she's dependent on us, all the unhappiness I've been sharing in this blog - maybe the one thing that I really need is that someone.  Maybe I've been so confused about what to do next and where to take myself next because I've never thought about finding someone with whom I will share my life with.

Ten Years Ago

I was looking through my posts in this journal ten years ago here.  I wrote "Yes, you are happy." at that time.  Oh, how I miss my twenties.

Stuck On A Ferris Wheel

Montgomery Road, Cincinnati, Ohio USA

There’s this line from the movie “Love, Simon” (2018) where Simon, the main character, says that sometimes he feels like he’s stuck on a ferris wheel.  One day you’re on top of the world, the next day you’re rock bottom.  I can’t help but feel the same way for myself right now.  There are days when I step back and realize how fortunate I’ve been this past year and how so many people would also love to get the opportunities that have been given to me.

Then there are days when all I feel is regret and how I keep on wishing I could turn back time to when I made the important decisions that got me to where I am now.   What worries me recently is that I’ve been feeling this moment of regret more frequently lately.  I’ve shared these feelings to my family and closest of friends which is rare for me since I normally don’t share my troubles with anyone.  My family of course told me that I should fight and that I can do this but will always welcome the thought of me going back home.  My friends, as friends should be, told me that I was just whining like a bitch and just entertain myself.  All true.

Yet, it persists.

I’ve been trying to understand this more and why I keep on feeling this way and I think I know why - that’s not the hard part.  The problem is that there’s no way to get through this other than going straight through it.  Butas ng karayom through it.  Like the start of a grueling twelve hour bus ride, maybe.  You have no choice but sit down and wait.

Pneumonia

It makes me very sad to hear news about young men I know or see at the office who pass away because of pneumonia.  Honestly, and no disrespect to the departed, there must be some way to determine if these people had HIV.  The data needs to be gathered or else we do not really know how widespread the virus is if so many cases get misreported as pneumonia.  I have known four cases within my network who have died of pneumonia but could have been caused by HIV.

I'm so affected that it brought me back here this blog.

Ongoing Predicament

I have always had difficulty reconciling my religious beliefs with my sexual orientation.  I am both Catholic and gay.  I grew up with a very religious grandmother, parents, and studied in Catholic schools until college.  Though I am not a poster child for Catholicism, I subscribe to its teachings.  I also, however, know that my sexual orientation has been this way since I was born.  As a young boy growing up, I never viewed myself as heterosexual.  I always knew what I was.  And this was never a choice I made.

The very recent decision of the U.S. Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage has made me think about this predicament of mine all over again.  When I read the text on the image yesterday, I almost cried.  The only thing that really stopped me from shedding tears was that I was in the office and I never cry in public.  Going through my social media feeds this past twenty four hours, I can't help but feel so happy seeing the collective jubilation around the world but more importantly, in my circle of friends and family who support this decision.  I feel like I can hear a crowd rejoicing from afar, only I cannot really hear the cheers.  I only see it on photos and feel it around me.

Then there are the messages of disagreement.  Opposing views and opinions of people who do not share my smile when I hear the cheers in my head.  I admit, when I read status messages of my friends who do not share my views, I get angry.  While browsing through Facebook just now, I could not help myself from feeling so disappointed that there are people around me who cannot seem to understand the underlying reasons why gay marriage is indeed a right for all.

Then I think about the predicament I am in.  My anger comes from that side of me that believes that love is love and the state does not have the right to disallow its institutions from recognizing the union of two people, regardless of sexual orientation or race, in marriage.  Then comes that other side of me who, for so long, has constantly tried to resist and hold back from loving someone the way two people who get married would love one another.  My anger then fades away as I come to understand the views of others and where they are coming from.

As you can imagine, it can be a roller coaster of emotions in just a few minutes.

I needed to get this out.  I'm happy that something was able to bring me to write on this journal again.

Another Home

On a plane from Kuala Lumpur to Manila a few days ago, I found myself smiling all by myself.  I had just spent a long weekend in Malaysia to attend the wedding of a dear friend.  There I was in the cramped plane of a budget airline, to which I spent double the promo fare, smiling.  Feeling really good about an experience that brought back so many little forgotten memories and cherished moments.

I never thought much about it when I left Manila but my trip to Malaysia was not just a visit.  It was not just a short trip nor a weekend vacation.  It was a journey back to a life I once lived and a glimpse of how life could have been for me had I not decided to quit my job and pack my bags to go home five years ago.

Home.  That's what I felt on the plane en route to the Philippines.  I felt like I was leaving home, some form of it at least, to go back to another home of mine.  The barely four days I spent back in Malaysia allowed me to rekindle all those memories, conversations, moments, laughter.  The type that comes out while spending time with people you used to hold such deep-rooted connections to.

When I arrived in KL, I saw that so many things have changed about it.  The look of the place changed with these new buildings and establishments in the place where I used to live.  I met new people who, by now, have been living there for almost five years - more than when I left to go back to Manila.  They had different stories, different views, different experiences on living the life of an OFW.

Yet there were times when I would stare outside the car window while on the highway and feel like I never left.  That a part of me never left Malaysia and my physically being there was irrelevant since I was still there anyway.  I would talk to my friends who stayed in Malaysia and listening to them and seeing their life now made me daydream of how my life would have been if I had stayed put.  I kind of saw myself in all of them - how they're all still the same person but at the same time you knew that so many things have changed.

Such is life, I guess.  You move on and you don't.  You stay but you also go.  You settle yet go home at the same time.  The important thing is that in spite of all its strangeness, you find time to look back.  And smile.

Sunday Afternoon

Spending a few hours of my precious Sunday afternoon TV-time watching The Apprentice Asia certainly got me thinking about my professional career.

I started out as an eager fresh graduate back in 2005 raring to conquer the professional world.  At that time, all my batchmates had been working for roughly two years already because of my, err, extended stay in college.  So at the back of my head, I really did want to catch up - very typical of any young graduate who just wants to compete with his other friends so as not to look too left behind in the proverbial rat race.

I decided to work in a call center and leverage my newly acquired Spanish-language skills thanks to a few years of Spanish classes at Instituto Cervantes.  I managed to clinch a job that paid me relatively higher than most fresh grads because of my foreign language capability.  The job was fairly simple and it's safe to say that I was pretty good at it.

Fate then decided that I knock on the world's doors.

While browsing through the Sunday classifieds of the Manila Bulletin one day, a small, inconspicuous ad caught my attention.  It said that some company was looking for someone who could speak Spanish and that the job will be in Malaysia.  Without knowing the name of the company or the details of the job, what the heck, I sent my CV.  My phone rang the next day and the person asked me if I was free for a phone interview later in the day.  A few weeks after that phone call, I was on a plane with a one-way ticket to Kuala Lumpur.

The chapter of my life spent in Malaysia is a story on its own.  It was there where I truly grew up and lived the life I had wanted.  Free.  Independent.  Traveled around as much as I could.  Sort of fell in love.  Spent my own money on things I used to not afford.  All this, just months after I graduated from college.  I went into that chapter of my life hungry for achievement.  And I did achieve.  Work showered me with awards and accolades.  I got the trainings I wanted and received the experience I knew was making me carve the right path to success.  Like any guy in his early twenties, I sought out success and boy did I yearn for it!  I was sure that I had caught up with my peers and had even overtaken all my competitive friends who had a two-year head start.

Then came the text message.

It was from my mother.  Paraphrased, it said that my father was sick, that he didn't have much time left, and that I should go home.  This was shortly before Christmas.  Since I really had booked a flight to spend the holidays in Manila that year, I held off telling my boss that I had to quit my job and decided to see things for myself.  Nevertheless, I knew my time in Malaysia was about to end.

I don't remember that Christmas too much.  News like that kind of destroys all the joy and merriness associated with late December.  I do remember though, that once I returned to Malaysia, I was sure that I wanted to quit my job.  My career.  The life I always wanted.  Three months into the new year, I was staring at three years of my life stuffed into two balikbayan boxes and other pieces of luggage.

I was going home.

The next ten months were, ironically, glorious days.  I decided to stay unemployed for a length of time to make up for the lost time with my father.  His condition during those days is a separate narration altogether.  Thanks to some savings, unemployment suited me quite well.  Now that I look back at it, it was during that time when I was spending hours and hours at home with my parents that my mindset on what work should be started to change.

Seeing my funds slowly dwindling, the practical choice had to be made - I needed to work again.  I was ready to start over that time and I decided to be really open to other areas.  I remember applying for a job in a resort in Palawan.  In another call center.  In a real-estate firm.  In a government agency.  I took every opportunity that I felt good about and just tried my luck.  At the end of it, I chose a job that kind of paid well but most of all, gave me the work-life balance that I longed for.

It was a stress-free job that did not exactly put me in a position that people my age at that time wanted to be in.  It was an entry-level job.  It was low responsibility.  But it was exactly what I wanted.  I spent two years of my career there knowing it wouldn't exactly lead me to the path of future CEO or a late-twenties hotshot but for some reason, I knew it was what was best for me.

Then things started to change when opportunities started presenting itself again.  After a weekend of thinking, I found myself quitting that job to work in a large multinational company in a role that would be responsible for more than a few important things.

That's my job now.

So this afternoon, after watching episodes upon episodes of The Apprentice Asia thanks to a scheduled marathon on TV, I could not help but look back on what I've gone through so far in relation to my professional life.

I spent hours today watching a show that have real people with real experiences, and who have a real desire to achieve and be successful.  The people in the show reminded me of me... years ago.  People who use a lot of big words.  Achieve.  Successful.  Driven.  Passionate.  Words that I used to believe in and wanted to embody.  Used to.

Today, I realized that I am no longer that person.  I am no longer someone who seeks competition and aims to beat his peers.  I no longer want to be someone who would become CEO.  I no longer am the person who wants to achieve great things in the work place.

It made me realize that talking to my boss two weeks ago, telling him that I wanted a new role that is no longer like the one I have, was really what I feel is true.  What I feel I really need.  What I feel I really desire.  I've been spending countless hours working this past two years thinking that I should excel and that I should fulfill my responsibilities as much as I can and as well as I could.  True, I should because it would unprofessional to do so.  And I have, actually.

However, working to excel and achieve should not be at the expense of certain things that I hold dear.  My non-negotiables.  The reason why I can easily decide to let go of the life I had always wanted after just one text message from my mother.

Spending a few hours of my precious Sunday afternoon TV-time certainly got me thinking that I should start to live my life the way that I should.

Choice

Take unto thyself O Lord the souls of the weak.  For I have chosen that which does not please you.

Difficult Scenarios

I do think that I've become the worst version myself.  Which is unfortunate since that is how I am entering my 30's.  As to how I do the same ridiculous things over and over again is just beyond me.  Psychiatric help may be needed soon.

Sigh. How I wish I could write lighter and more fun posts here but I can't.  I simply cannot.

It bothers me how I seem to have detached myself almost completely - from God.  No prayers.  Blank thoughts during mass, which is also just a Sunday habit nowadays.  No more deep and silent conversations alone.  The worst part is, no guilt.  I may have given up on myself on this one.  And if I haven't, this may take the longest time.

I am truly my worst enemy.  During the moments when I feel like I'm driving down the right road already, I suddenly decide to turn and go back exactly where I came from.  To my addiction.  An addiction that seems to have absorbed me whole and I am no longer able to release myself from its strong hands.  No longer able to say no when every single piece of logic dictates that I refrain.  That I stay away. My former self, by now, would be in tears.  Like watching a tragedy unfold - night after sad night.

Life presents you with difficult scenarios sometimes.  That I've learned.   But the hardest part is really that you have to deal with it over and over again.  Unfortunately, tonight made me realize that I may have just given up.

Talking To The Moon

At night when the stars

light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon

Try to get to You

In hopes you're on

the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool

who sits alone

Talking to the moon

These are lines from the song "Talking To The Moon" by Bruno Mars.  I am hardly a person of music but tonight as I listened to this song, I cannot help but relate.  I do sit alone at night many times looking at the moon and do nothing else but think.  It is during these times that I get to think and read my own thoughts without all the noise of work, of problems, or even of fun times.In some way, I do talk to the moon.

I relate to this song not because of a desire to reach out to someone else.  I relate because I try to reach out to myself.  To my former self.

That person has left me a long time ago and I know deep inside I want that person back.  Badly.

Bleak Future?

Fahrenheit Suites, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

It's 4:40 AM and I can't sleep.  I just came from a business trip in Cincinnati, Ohio and I decided to come here to relax after an expected busy two weeks.  I've met up with my good friends over here and will be off to the airport in a few hours to fly home.

My mind is all over the place.  Never have I thought that I'd be in a situation like this.  On the one hand, there's work which has actually been really nice to me in spite of the added stress and responsibilities.  I cannot be more thankful that I have a job like this that challenges me and one that has a visible path in front of it.  Then there's my personal life.  Which is a mess.  I'm in the typical late 20's debt stage that's annoying.  Manageable but annoying.  Then there are my forever stubborn decisions when it comes to emotional attachment.  I do not even want to go into details on that one.

Then there's family.  I have a father who's dying, a mother who takes care of him, a family with limited resources, and a family business that is reaching the end of the road.  I sometimes wonder if my self-proclaimed high EQ is really just an illusion.  I may actually be under tremendous amounts of stress but I just don't know it.

I have stopped exercising.  Me.  The fitness freak who used to eat nothing but chicken breast, who would not smoke, and who's good at yoga.  That's all history right now.

I'm troubled.  I used to write a lot about my life and how much I feel so excited about the future.  About how life will offer good things for me and I will embrace them all wholeheartedly.  Unfortunately, the future will bring nothing but reality to me.  That my father will die soon.  That my mother will swim in the emotions that will come afterward.  That the family business that has supported us for decades will soon close shop.  That I will be the one in a brood of five that that is in the best position to sustain a household.

That life will change.  Soon.  And I do not know if it will be for the better.

Personal Irony

It kind of scares me that I can pursue something passionately and for a long time only to give it up all of a sudden at one point.

There's boxing which I was addicted to back in 2005-2006. I would box and train 3 times a week every morning after work when I still worked at night. It allowed me to lose 40+ lbs and get the strength and stamina I never had before. Then all of a sudden, I just stopped. Well, flying to Malaysia had something to do with that but even now that I'm in Manila, I train only maybe once a month. Crazy. To think the gym I go to still has the same trainer, same location, and same price.

The absolute peak of my weight loss and my boxing "career". This was probably at 135 lbs. Before boxing, I was pushing 190 lbs.

There's yoga which I was also pursuing very passionately back in 2006-2009. Now that's an even longer period. This would actually be a better example because back when I was still practicing on an almost daily basis, I would spend at least 3 hours overall just to get to the yoga studio and back. Imagine all that effort just to get to class then maybe go straight to work after. My practice even reached a level in which I was doing some poses only two of us were doing in class and I didn't mind attending all the advanced classes the studio had to offer. I also spent on attending workshops and even flew to Phuket, Thailand for a week just to attend a workshop of someone I met online. Crazy! Now that I'm back in Manila, I rarely even practice at home. This is actually the saddest part because I have no reason not to practice yoga. I'm more than capable (physically, at least) to practice on my own yet my mind doesn't seem to want. In yoga parlance, it seems to seek out the shared energy that you only feel while practicing with a group of other people. I feel sad about this especially because I can see the potential in my practice especially here in the Philippines where there's not a lot of certified yoga teachers.

Taken at East Coast Park, Singapore in May 2007 by my then 8 year old nephew. This photo actually won third place in a National Geographic online contest about Singapore. I got a NatGeo bag mailed to my apartment in Malaysia. How cool is that. (I checked the tag and the bag is made in the Philippines)

There's photography. I've been interested in photography since I was a kid actually. Not too serious while growing up but I always spent time framing a photo properly or trying to get some new effect with my standard film camera. I'd say I have a natural eye for framing a photo, at the very least. So when I had the money to buy my own camera, I actually purchased a DSLR, two lenses, and an external flash. I attended workshops and would click, and click, and click, and click. I'd say I was okay and I really did enjoy taking photos as I traveled or even during small events. Then for some reason I just lost interest. I would find my camera bag and equipment just laid there in my room gathering dust. I would take it out sometime and shoot whatever random photo I can find but it felt different and detached. So eventually I decided to sell all of my camera stuff. In fact, I only have a point and shoot camera now which I bought back in 2006 and I rarely even use it now. Sad.

This was taken using my point and shoot at Perhentian Islands, Malaysia back in 2007. This photo also won first place in the company photography contest. I am not sure if I won that contest because this photo is really nice (the theme was "Red, Yellow, Grey") or because they just asked the employees to vote for their favorite. Considering the number of Pinoys who voted... Hmmm...

So that's my little realization for the month. I can imagine that I will still continue to do either of these in the future but definitely not as intense as during its respective heyday. It makes me think though if I'm programmed to want to try out different things all the time. Someone told me that it's probably because I like the chase or I enjoy the hunt more than the prey. It makes sense and I'm sure a lot of people are like that. What makes me sad though is that if put in a different light, of all the things I can let go of easily, my passions are the ones that seem go first. And that will remain my great personal irony.

Changes

After a whirlwind application process, I've decided to accept a job offer in an I.T. company. I am officially eating every single word I said before about never going back to I.T. even if the pay is good. Darn.

Well. I'm 28. I guess we simply have to think of the long term and just adjust. Hopefully this is the right decision. Every single career coach would say it is but the mere fact that I have these little doubts bothers me in some way.

Hopefully, too, that my new schedule will allow me to blog and read often. A 12pm-9pm shift may be comfortable in many ways but it simply disallows me from doing a lot of other things I also enjoy like going to the malls and having time to read before work. Argh.

Changes. They are part of life. We need to face them no matter what. And in the same way, we also change. When life offered me a choice to a different path, it made me realize how much I myself have changed in the past two years.

Who would have thought I could easily make this comfort zone around me when I used to be all about breaking through comfort zones?

Such random thoughts like these should be posted more often. Thank you blog, for never failing me.

Goodbye To Twitter And Hello to Blogging (Again)

In the interest of returning to blogging, I deleted my Twitter account. I have realized that the spread of Facebook and Twitter use made me release random thoughts on the web on a daily basis rather than saving them for a decent blog post.

Well, that's my press release.

The real reason is that I've been feeling a little suffocated with the online world as of late. Think about it. I get up in the morning. Yawn. Stretch. Sit on my desk. Then log on to Facebook and Twitter. Even if I'm hungry and my mind is not functioning properly yet, I decide that going online is the best thing to do after I wake up. It's crazy. I spend so much time reading people's thoughts pasted on status messages and Twitter updates that I felt a little too connected to everyone.

So there, I have deleted my Twitter account.

I was this close to deleting my Facebook account too but thought it best not to do it. Yet. A good number of people connect with me only through Facebook and it would be stupid to cut off ties just like that because I like being connected to some of these people too. Some, meaning, the probably less than 50 people who actually matter in my 1000++ friends list.

Sad, no?

Anyway, it felt absolutely refreshing to separate myself from the huge social networking entity that is Twitter especially in this time and age when social networking sites are now featured in magazines, news shows, and are now even used to incite revolutions. Hello Middle East. Though I think the use of Facebook and Twitter as a tool for organizing a revolution is a little overrated and sensationalized in my opinion. That's another story.

So as my first post-Twitter blog post, I have decided to list down a few goals for myself for this year. It may be a little late considering we're already on the second trimester but what the heck.

First up, spend less. In fact, spend within my means. A look at my little excel file that I regularly keep which shows my monthly expenses gives me a heart attack. In this year alone, I've been spending double my monthly income for two months straight. What have I been spending on? Nothing significant. All selfish expenses that benefit only me and are not even remotely close to what can be considered as an investment. It's stupid. It's crazy. And it's getting out of hand. I am promising myself that April should be frugality month because if I can do that on my birthday month, I can do that for any month. Let's see how this goes.

Next is, get the body that I want. You may roll your eyes now. I know that this is a little narcissist but who cares. It's a valid and important goal for a man in his late twenties. It's now or never. If I can lose 50 lbs, run a marathon, and survive living in another country for three years, dammit, I can get that body that looks good in a plain white shirt. The one that doesn't require me to inhale in public to keep my stomach in. The one that gets second looks from strangers. The one that will make me look back 30 years from now and say, "Wow, was I hot or what?". I've started with this as I've been working out with my trainer for three weeks now. Eggzoyting.

More quality family time. My youngest brother is turning 25 in a month's time. 25! Gheez. That makes our family really old and mature if you ask me. We're not getting any younger and priorities are changing. Spending time with family should be a weekly, if not daily, habit.

Lastly, pray more. I know I don't necessarily come off as the religious type but I actually value my faith a lot. And if I make even a shallow observation of how my life has been these past few years, it was when I was having quality prayer time that I was the happiest. It was when my life had meaning and purpose. It's more apt now especially that it's Lent but hopefully I get to do manifest this the entire year.

I'm so glad to be back to blogging.

RH Bill

"The Catholic Church is not just the men in funny little hats. The Catholic church ARE the believers and the faithful who congregate on the Rock of God. I think Jesus was fairly clear on this point in the Beatitudes. Even if we were to accept that the Catholic Church knows best what being Catholic means, it is only because it has a definitional component to what constitutes membership to this organization, i.e. official baptism. But the inner meaning of one's faith can only be defined by the individual.

The Catholic Church only has infallibility over matters of doctrine but not on social matters and least of all matters of science, for they are temporal and need to be understood and responded to in the context of their times and the level of academic and scientific advancement, according St. Augustine. Take for example the Catholic Church's position on heliocentrism. 1 Chronicles 16:30 states 'the world is firmly established, it cannot be moved'. This was interpreted by the Catholic Church as the earth being the center of the universe instead of the sun despite Copernicus's or Gallileo's scientific work on the matter! Or when Pope John Paul II (progressively and heroically) admitted unequivocably that the Catholic Church has been wrong and apologized to other religions for what he said to be an erroneous, formerly long-held belief that only Catholics would be saved and others condemned to hell. Or when mentally ill people who died were refused a proper Catholic burial by the Church because their illness was believed to have been caused by the devil.

The examples above show how wrong the Catholic Church can be particularly when it comes to social policy. The Church clearly does not know 'best' in all matters and particularly in this matter and therefore should NOT be in the business of measuring one's Catholicism based on a public servant's duty to support a critical social policy affecting all citizens regardless of their religion. Em's support of the RH Bill does not make her less Catholic. It makes her admirable for choosing a difficult position that is ultimately the only soberly right thing to do on this issue."

This is a comment by Lucinda David on Facebook. She defended a mutual friend of ours who is in Congress and who supports the RH Bill.

January 20

This will be totally random. I must let it out.

Do you sometimes feel like you're slowly becoming the person you used to dislike when you were a kid? Or at least you're starting to realize that you have the potential to become that person in the future? I do. It's scary actually.

I follow someone on Twitter. I read what she posts. I roll my eyes. I'm mean like that.

In general, I find that change is a good thing. But there are those instances when change just makes me feel sad. I used to enjoy something but now everything is just weird and awkward. Sad. Sad.

Marathon training has been surprisingly awesome. I ran 30 kilometers last Monday starting from Alabang to Daang Hari until SM Molino then back to Daang Reyna then back to Alabang then straight home. It was my last long run before the big 42km run on February 6.

Speaking of training, I'm very happy that I got a conditioning trainer for this marathon. I don't think I would be mentally or physcially ready to run for around five hours straight if I didn't have a coach who knew my goals.

I also can't believe that I'm running this marathon after going through an operation just last month. And it's the type of operation that required an operating room, spinal anaesthesia, etc. Not the out patient type. I am sincerely praying hard that I cross that finish line.

Heart attacks. You gotta hate 'em. My mom's best friend just died of a heart attack last weekend. A few days ago, I found out that my high school friend's dad also died of a heart attack last week. Freaky. Sad. Sniff.

I am currently being self-conscious about making generalizations about anything. I shouldn't. Because whenever I hear other people make strange generalizations, I get annoyed.

Why are Filipinos so demanding when it comes to customer service? Especially in restaurants. I'm a very diplomatic and patient person. But whenever I eat out with someone who's mean and inconsiderate to servers in restaurants... sigh. It's hard to just shut up and let that person be. Waiting for five minutes for your food to arrive is not long. So you shouldn't follow it up. Pet peeve.

I thought I had already gone through that so called quarter life crisis. Apparently, I don't think I have yet. Maybe this year. Or next year. I feel it.

If you are still reading this, thank you for bearing with my unedited and incohesive thoughts.

How's This For A Recap...

Yes, I'm still alive. I've finally mustered up the energy to end the longest blogging hiatus I have ever had. Since I'm really pathetic and can't write for shit, I will blog by posting a collage of photos of some of the things I've been doing while I was away.

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Well I haven't stopped running of course. Since my last post, I went through two road races, two trail runs (one of which got me climbing to the top of Mt. Pico de Loro in Batangas), and an aquathlon.

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And since I'm giving you all the impression that I'm some sort of fitness freak, I have also hired a personal trainer for the very first time. I went through a whole month of training under Level Three Fitness which was fantastic. I stopped since my trainer went for a vacation abroad then I got myself injured (excuses, excuses) but I do hope to be back training very soon!

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No matter what happens, I will find time to travel. Since my last post, I revisited Vietnam! Definitely one of my favorite Southeast Asian destinations. I was in Hanoi a few years back and enjoyed the whole trip so when my friends decided that they wanted to visit Ho Chi Minh this time, I couldn't say no. True enough, it was one of the most fun filled trips I've ever been to.

Also, I found myself visiting the island of Corregidor for the first time. An excellent way to to brush up on your local history and appreciate these sites which are so near Metro Manila.

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There are so many things I want to write about such as my first ever colonoscopy (which I went through UNSEDATED), buying my first mountain bike, my 10th year high school reunion, going to work as Edward Cullen... haha!

All of this soon to come!

A Sword Up His Spine

There is so much I've been wanting to blog about yet I've obviously never had the time nor the opportunity to squeeze even a little bit of the 'writer' part of my brain. Ugh. Don't you just hate it when a blogger talks about not being able to blog in a blog post? The irony.

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Well I've ran three races since my last post. I ran the 15km Philippine Independence Day Run, the 15km New Balance Trail Adventure run in Nuvali, and I ran my first 21km at the Standard Chartered Kuala Lumpur Marathon, which was also my first overseas run.

I'd love to talk more about those races but, unfortunately, I'm using a different laptop and all the photos are at home. Next time.

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So I'll just talk about myself. There is no denying that I like talking about myself. Duh, I named my blog after myself. I just used the word "myself" in all the sentences of this paragraph including this one.

For some reason, the universe has been testing my strongest personal traits lately. My confidence, self-esteem, will power. All these have been put to the test lately and, quite frankly, the universe has been doing a damn good job.

Let's take will power first. I can't write the details but let's just say there are certain desirable situations that I can easily get myself into if I wanted to but I normally stop myself from doing so because it's pointless and irrelevant to my life. Like me driving on a road that has a dead end: the ride can be fun and enjoyable but it really won't get me anywhere. I've seen myself driving along that useless road lately and it ends just the same way it always has -- a dead end. I just realize that it's useless to even go on this road so I stop. The worst part about that kind of realization is that I know it was useless in the first place but I still pushed through with it. What an idiot.

Then there's confidence. This morning, in fact, was the moment in which my confidence was put to test. Like a raging bull facing a matador. The question is, who was the bull and who was the matador? In bull fights, the bull normally ends up with a sword up his spine. I went through an interview this morning. It wasn't a job interview per se but passing that interview could get me closer to something I have desired for years. I'd say that interview this morning was the most difficult interview I have gone through in my life and trust me, I've been through a lot of them. The worst part is, that was just considered as a preliminary interview. I can only imagine what the actual interview will be like. Ugh. At one point while I was answering a question, I had this vision of a plane with its engines on fire crashing somewhere in the middle of nowhere with the pilot shouting "Mayday! Mayday!". I swear, what a terrible way to start my morning.

And now, self-esteem. My most prized non-material possession. Warning: I'll be a little arrogant for a few sentences here. You see, I've been blessed with a lot of self-esteem. As to why I'm like that, I have no idea. I'm not even handsome, rich, hot, or intelligent (though in my head sometimes I'm like that, haha). I've been through a lot of incredibly embarrassing hide-under-a-rock-forever scenarios but I managed to either smile through it all or laugh at it in the face.

However, a week ago, an arrow struck me straight through the heart. I received this little news that said that I cannot get what I want because I am _____ and _____, etc. That bloody arrow struck me so hard that I found myself drinking three bottles of Red Horse when I got home that day. I don't even think that has even happened to me before -- drinking off frustrations. Worst part is, my feeling of being distraught and dejected lasted a few more days afterward. I normally get over bad news very, very quickly but this was different. I lost a fight that I would usually win and I wasn't used to it. It was definitely a kick in the balls.

These were all basically mental challenges. Mind games the universe chose to play with me lately. I have moved on for some of these challenges and some of it are still on-going. As to why these things have been happening to me in such short a time, I don't know.

All I know is that I don't want to be a bull with a sword up his spine. Here's to hoping.

Camaya Coast Aquathlon and Trail Run 2010

While browsing through Facebook one day, I chanced upon an entry on my feed that showed a friend of mine adding a friend named "Camaya Coast Aquathlon". Interesting, so I said. One click and a few more minutes of browsing on that page and I told myself that I'm joining this aquathlon.

True enough, at 4:00am on May 29, 2010, I found myself sitting on a bus outside the Camaya Coast showroom along Edsa with a hundred other nameless faces. Just like all the other races I've attended, I was there alone. As I had never experienced racing in an aquathlon before, much less competing in open water, I battled with the nervousness and the anxiety of venturing into the unknown all alone. Not that I bothered. The nice thing about joining events like these by yourself is that you get to observe every one else. All the men and women with their bags, running gear, cameras (but of course), and tanned skin that tells you these guys have had a little too many runs than most people. Everyone seemed to know each other so it did feel like it was one big field trip.

We left around 5:00am for Mariveles, Bataan. After two rest stops, we arrive at the Mariveles port at around 8:00am and took a short boat ride to Camaya Coast.

Hello there! Just seeing the sight of the beach made me forget about the aquathlon. Everything was quick once we got there. They gave us nice welcome drinks and the registration slash distribution of singlet, bib numbers, etc. were done right away. Minutes after some guys wrote on my arms my race number with pentel pens, I found myself wearing the nice running singlet, swim shorts, and trail shoes. Not exactly my most fashionable choice for race wardrobe but who cares.

The race director then explained the route for those who were joining the adventure trail, run extreme trail run, and aquathlon. For the aquathlon, we were to make one loop in the 3.5km trail then make 3 loops in the water, then one loop on the trail again. All participants, regardless of category, were to start at the same time.

I didn't even have time to stretch. After leaving some hydration and swim gear on the transition area (tents with little baskets with your race number on it), I lined up somewhere at the back of the participants at the starting line and the race started.

Photos taken from this site.

The trail run was, well, difficult. I did a 16km trail run a few weeks before this aquathlon so when I found out that this was a mere 3.5km loop, I told myself this has got to be easy for sure. Wrong. Little did I know that the trail was to climb up a hill the whole time. Drat. To make things even more challenging, the trail is a bit narrow and some parts of it are sloping downwards so it totally changes the way you run. Not to mention it makes you think if you'd ever survive if you fall down that deep bangin right beside you at one part of it. Have I mentioned we started at around 10am? Think about the heat! Crazy. The trail is beautiful though. Lots of trees and there's a stream crossing. There's also a water station before you turn around.

I actually did well during the first loop because when I exited the trail and headed toward the beach, the marshal told the guy in front of me that he was third place so far in the adventure trail run. That's not so bad. Unfortunately, when I got to the transition area, I saw maybe around 10 swimmers splashing away. Wow, these aquathletes run fast.

Photos taken from this site.

I'll be honest, I was still removing my shoes in the transition area (as seen on the photo above) when I started to wonder if I'd even have enough strength to last the open water swim and another loop in the trail. Was I going to quit? Whoa, the thought scared me. As I wore my goggles and walked to the shore, a guy was sitting there and I heard him tell some one "First time to get injured, ever!". Boy, he sounded upset at himself. So I faced the ocean and braced myself for my first ever official open water race.

It was... cold. Refreshing even. I was overjoyed at the fact that the water was cooling me down from the intense heat I went through in the trail. The water wasn't salty and I was swimming pretty much the same way I would have swam in a pool. I wasn't swimming fast though, I didn't know how to pace myself in something like this so all I was thinking about now was just making sure that the buoy line was still in sight. That way, I'd know that I was swimming straight. I'm no triathlete, so tactics like sighting are foreign to me.

First loop done. Not too tired. In fact, I felt very relaxed in the water. Second loop went by quite well too. The whole time, by the way, I found myself getting overtaken by other faster swimmer. During the second loop, I was getting worried that once I get back to the shore to complete the third loop, I would be all alone. Ngak. Winning this race was obviously not a goal for me. Luckily enough, once I reached the shore to start my third loop, there were around a dozen other swimmers in the sea behind me. Yey. At least I wasn't last.

I finished the third loop in the water and walked to the transition area feeling absolutely relieved that I survived the open water swim feeling ok. During the transition, I must have downed an entire bottle of Pocari sweat. I wear my shoes, put on my singlet and race belt, and start running again. Last stretch!

The second loop in the trail wasn't so bad. Since I knew what to expect, I didn't even think of running the trail the whole time. It was hotter, of course, and all I wanted was to finish. Going up the trail, I managed to overtake more than a few guys who were just walking. One guy had his trail shoes give up on him with half the sole ripped off on one shoe. Halfway through the second loop on the trail, a girl participant of the adventure trail run who was walking in my direction suddenly had cramps on her legs. She just stopped, screamed for help, and fell to the ground. Three of us runners assisted her and kept her company for a good 8 minutes. We gave her water and tried to get her to relax because she was just screaming in pain. Poor girl. It eventually subsided and we asked her if she would be OK. She said yes so we all went on with our respective runs. That didn't help in my time, obviously, but again, it didn't matter at that point. I reach the loop, run a little more since it was now downhill, reach the beach, and run to the finish line.

Though I was tired and thirsty, I felt so glad that I finished this race. I was overjoyed that after getting worried if I were even capable of finishing it after the first trail loop, I crossed the finish line feeling good. And that, to me, was reward enough.

Ice cold fruit juice were overflowing plus the buffet wasn't bad at all. After the awarding ceremonies and after everybody had showered and cleaned themselves up, a good number of people were just by the pavilion... sleeping. Including me. I learned a lot from this race, my first multi-sport event. And seeing how everybody else seems to have enjoyed it as much as I did, it inspires me to even train harder so that next time I ever run a trail, swim, then run again, I finish strong and maybe even get to stand on a podium at the end. I will definitely register for next year's aquathlon

Race, Race, Race, Race

This month of May is turning out to be the busiest month I've had so far. I've either been on a race, or going out of town (or both) every weekend. Tiring as it is, I'm not complaining. It's just rather unfortunate that I don't get to document these events with my own camera though. Here's a little run down on what I've been up to.

Labor Day Run 2010 5km, Bonifacio Global City

This was my first official 5km race. The race was on a Saturday which was good for me because I still got to race the next day at a different event so this was pretty much a warm up. What a laid back race this was. Not a lot of people joined, which to me, is a good thing. It felt very home-y from the moment I arrived. I remember that it felt like one huge PE class actually. Considering I got a side-stitch on the 3km mark, I think my time was good enough.

I am somewhere in this photo, seriously. Hehe. Taken by Joseph Dayo.

RuNew 2010 10km, Filinvest Alabang

Just a day after my attempt at a short 5km race, I joined another race but this time at the more familiar 10km distance. Two races in a weekend. Excellent if you ask me. If my race the day before was laid back, this one was the exact opposite. It wasn't as big as other RunRio events but I guess it was big enough to be considered as a major race. I was looking forward to this run because it was to be my first time to ever run in Alabang. The route was very familiar to me so I thought I should do sort of good in this one. Wrong. It was just too hot and I'm not even talking about the sun. It rained a little bit before the race so I assumed that it would be a bit cool. Unfortunately, we all got the exact opposite. Humidity was terrible. Plus the rolling 'terrain' in Alabang didn't help either. The moment I crossed the finish line, I felt more relieved than anything else. I quickly ran to the freebies tent to get my 100Plus. I had to recharge asap. I downed the entire bottle in 5 seconds I think.


Nevertheless, I had fun in this race. I think the harder it is, the more unforgettable it becomes. I actually felt so nostalgic running in Ayala Alabang and even passing by my high school. It was as if I was meant to run in this race. You can expect that I'll be running in this race again next year.



Men's Health 2010 All-Terrain Race 16km, Nuvali Laguna

Man, oh, man. This has got to be one of the best races I've ever joined. This was also a running milestone for me. One, this was my first time to join a trail race. Two, this is the farthest distance I've ever ran in a race. Ang saya saya! I was so excited for this race that I even decided to buy myself a pair of trail shoes. I bought the New Balance 910 trail shoes which are top of the line (but I used the 20% discount coupon I got from the RuNew run). The only reason I bought it was because it was advertised on Men's Health. Haha, I'm such an easy consumer. The shoes were an excellent purchase though, check the link for a short review.

Anyway, the route was really tough for me. My heart rate was averaging 90% at the first 5 kilometers which was way faster than my normal pace. I couldn't slow down in the beginning because, well, I just couldn't. I was having so much fun running on a different surface that I felt like I wanted to burst out fast from the start. Obviously, I eventually slowed down due to physical constraints.

Photo taken from takbo.ph

The race involved running on pavement, compact dirt, grass, dusty roads, going up a few hills, and crossing a river. To me, it became a little meditative at one point when I stopped thinking about my dying legs and decided to take in the view. This was my favorite part:

Photo taken from takbo.ph

It was probably a little after the halfway point when we ran across this field. The sun was just starting to slap us with its summer heat but there was always a slight breeze that kept us company. I swear I managed to smile a little amidst my gasping for air and water. I would totally trade in a run at Fort Bonifacio for a run that gives you something like this. Now, I loved this trail running so much that I'm already registered for another one this June. A 15km race sponsored by New Balance. Perfect.

But it's not yet over...

Next weekend I'll be participating in the Camaya Coast Aquathlon in Bataan. 3.5km trail run, 1.5km swim, then another 3.5km trail run in that order. I'm sure that will be one nice adventure.